This witness was given by the Rev. Deacon Chris McCloud at the Candlelight Vigil for Peace, held at Trinity & St. Philip's Cathedral on December 7, 2014 in response to the Grand Jury decisions in Ferguson, Missouri and Staten Island, New York, declining to bring charges in the deaths of Michael Brown and Eric Garner.
Dear Lord, I need you to hear my cry. I need you to hear my pain. Dear Lord, I need you hold me close today. Please Lord… hold me closer than close because I am simply exhausted… simply exhausted.
Another dead black man… another UNARMED black man… DEAD! What the hell for?!?!? For selling some loose cigarette’s? Are you freakin’ kidding me? Loose cigarettes? We’ve seen the non-stop play of the video… what about him was so threatening? Oh yea, he was a BIG black man. You felt intimidated because he was so big, right? I get it.
Hands up… “Please don’t touch me” he says… yet, he’s jumped by how many of you again… 4 or 5 or was it 6 of you pushing Eric to the ground and subduing him. Okay… Eric’s down on the ground now… you’ve got him in a choke hold… oh wait… it was a “wrestling hold”… more justified and less severe I imagine.
“I can’t breathe… I can’t breathe” we hear Eric saying… “I can’t breathe.” What about that didn’t you understand… “I can’t breathe”? Another life… another beloved life of God’s own making; another beloved man among his family and friends; another one of our brother’s simply gone; another life devalued, destroyed and denied. And as in your life Eric and now in your death there is no JUSTICE!
Today I cried… again. But today’s cry was different. Today my tears were not only in sadness, but of an indignation I’ve rarely felt. I am angry! I am stunned! I am outraged! I am afraid…
I am consumed by thoughts of my sons… Ram and Bilal. I am consumed by thoughts of my brother Allen. And my uncles, nephews and cousins. Of the men who work for me and the young men who are the children of the client’s I serve. And now, I am consumed for those who are unknown to me but I know they are known to you God.
And I am I praying… praying. And I know you hear these prayers Lord… from all of us who are praying.
As a mother, I find myself more anxious than I want to be. I have no control, no ability to protect, no means of standing guard over my sons. I wonder about other mothers too… how do they feel? I wonder if they feel anxious too.
Praying… praying… praying…
To all of my sons… known and unknown… I’m praying for you. I’m praying that if you have an encounter with the police, rightly or wrongly… you use sound judgment with your actions. Give the police your ID when asked… don’t fight it… don’t challenge them… just do it. Please, just do it.
I pray that you remember that being strong and bold, is far different than being cocky and arrogant – even though that is your right if that is what you feel. I pray that you remember that being verbally or physically aggressive is a no win situation… it’s simply no match for someone who as the authority to shoot if they feel threatened… or feel justified… or choose to make it justifiable.
I pray that you don’t allow your anger, or your outrage, or your indignation or your friends or the social dictates of the day have you seek out weapons for protection or retribution from the police.
It can only end up for no good… it will only end in no good.
Your life, no matter what it feels like, will cease to be. Or, you will find yourself locked up behind bars for years.
Lives wasted no matter how you look at it.
And whether you are my own son, the son of another mother… you are a son of God… beloved in all ways. I may not like what you’ve done, what you’re doing, or where you’re going with your life.
The point is… your life matters. Your lives matter!
I am trying to live these times Lord in the rock hard faith I have in you… but it’s tough. It’s more than tough. I am trying to take my faith and see beyond the limitations and barriers that our society has created and erected around us. I am trying to keep my faith alive because I know that only you can carry me through this.
I choose not to live in fear, but I acknowledge I have fear… so please, take it away Lord.
I choose not to live in despair or hopelessness, even though there are moments I feel it deeply… please give me the strength to rise above it Lord.
I choose not to live with hatred or indifference, but I know how easy it can be to cross over to that place… keep my mind focused on you Lord. Keep me focused and steeped in your endless love, mercy and grace.
Fill me Lord… fill me with your Spirit so that I can continue to move forward in hope and courage and strength. Fill me so that I am able to stand for those who have fallen. Fill me so that I am able to stand for those who have been kicked down and chained. Fill me Lord, so that I am able to stand for those who are barely standing now.
And while you’re at it Lord… can ya do some work on all of those closed, backward thinking minds out there. Can ya help them to see; help them to understand that it really isn’t “us” verses “them”… it can only be “us” united together in your boundless love. I’m simply too exhausted right now… simply exhausted to keep trying right now.
Amen.
