In Being Mortal, Atul Gawande tells us that a graph of the human population used to look like a triangle, with the young at the very bottom and the elderly at the small tip top. The graph has changed. Now the graph looks like a shoe box, with as many elderly at the top as youth at the bottom.
We are living longer. In my grandparent’s generation, a man was expected to live one year after he retired. Now, many of us live one-third of our years after retirement. Of course, that necessitates not only a recalibration of economics, but also a recalibration of how we (again to use a phrase from Gawande) write our “story” for this third of our years. Recently, at Christ Church in Short Hills we gathered to “Write Your Own Obituary.”
At first it sounded like a morbid thing to do. The etiquette of previous generations might say, “Oh dear, we don’t discuss such matters.”
To the contrary, one of the most important things a church can offer is a willingness to discuss important matters that most of society shies away from, because it can be personal or emotional. We in the church strive to create a safe place, a place where vulnerability is not confused with weakness. We strive to care for the well-being of others, not just for ourselves. So these kinds of conversations, which used to be taboo, have great potential not just for the elderly but even for young adults.
The idea here is not simply to pass on the facts once a loved one has died. Rather than just listing one’s accomplishments, we can come at it from this angle:
Write a paragraph for each of the three stories of your life that are your favorite. For example, the story of the day I skipped school and got caught by my mother is something that I will never forget. Getting caught is only like the punch line of the joke. But the story is about what I did that day, and after being caught how my parents talked with me about being an honest person, an inquisitive person, a safe person… on and on the learnings from that experience have stayed with me to this day.
Tell your stories to a small group of people and that story will become a treasure to you. Then, write three paragraphs about the three values in your life that are the most important to you. Don’t just name the value. Again, use your memory to play back episodes from your life. Then tell the story. Are you a generous person? How would anyone know? Write the story and tell it. It may help you identify things about yourself that you’ve never thought about before.
The next part of the assignment is one of my favorites. This time write three paragraphs about three things for which you are most grateful and why. For example, tell the story about that beautiful view from the mountaintop, or the day your colleagues honored you, or how your grandchild snuggled in your lap. If you are a thankful person, tell the stories.
This kind of exercise is a bit like pulling off the highway at a rest stop and looking at the big wall map in the lobby that tells you where you are in relation to where you plan to go. For some of us, we may be close to our destination while others may still have a long way to go. But as you thought about your unforgettable moments, your values, your thanksgivings, did it help confirm that you are on the right track to get where you want to go? Or do you need to make some readjustments?
David Brooks has just written a book entitled The Road to Character. In its review, the New York Times described the book as “a moral bucket list” and then followed up with the question, “what kinds of adventures produce goodness, rather than build resumes?” Brooks confesses in the introduction that it wasn’t too long ago that he stopped to consider his life and decided that he needed to make some changes to become the person that he wanted to be.
Someday, someone will stand up and talk about you. Will they say you were the kind of person you want to be? Part of the reason to write your own obituary is to take stock to see where you have been and where you are now. And if you are not happy with where “now” is on the journey is, then it is time to drive in a new direction or take another route.
One final thing and that is that at our church we have invited people to write their obituaries and then put the obituaries on file at the church. We will also work with people to plan their funerals and keep their plans on file as well.
The first week I moved in to a new church I met a neighbor, Dot. Dot told me there was a folder in the parish office with her name on it. “It’s my funeral”, she told me, “only I’ll leave it up to you to change it a little.” I responded, “Dot, why would I ever want to change what you have decided on?” She responded, “Well, I’ve been working on this for years, and every time that I hear a new hymn that I like, I put a copy of it in my folder. As of today I have 104 hymns selected for my funeral. You might want to skip a few!”
At Dot’s funeral, I told the congregation that story and said, “So sing each one of these three hymns today, knowing that they were among Dot’s favorites!” It was a real thanksgiving.
Brooks, David: The Road to Character, Random House, April, 2015
Gawande, Atul: Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End, Metropolitan Books, October, 2014
