The loss of someone or something that we mourn over or grieve about carries with it a heaviness. Yet, if such heaviness comes with loss, it makes no sense; because when you think about it, loss should lighten one’s burden. It does not. It can drag one down, even when we are surrounded by caring people who try to hold us tight, hold us up, hold the burden for us. But when grieving, few of us allow such intrusion. We are attached to our world the way it was before the loss. We are blinded from seeing a new and different future, a future that could not possibly be acceptable to us.
So we plod along in this new world that is not to our liking, placing one foot in front of the other. We politely and sometimes even graciously say our thank-you’s for the ziti casserole, the baskets of fruit, the tulips. We cry over written words on sympathy cards and music in church. We hide under the comforter that grows wet with our sobs and slowly, very slowly we come a little bit outside ourselves, depending upon the day. We try to push away such depth of feeling to protect ourselves; not unlike the rubber-surrounded bumper cars that we rode when we were kids. The bumpers cushioned the pain of impact, even when we were slammed against a wall by older brothers. As silly as it sounds, the bumper cars were time limited. They all stopped abruptly with the simple flick of a switch. They shut off at the same time. Bingo! No more hurting. But the hurt from loss, especially of a loved one, leaves one without much control over when the grieving will end. The good people, the meaning-well people, enter again and tell us that time heals all wounds. We re-find our graciousness that thanked everyone for their condolences and nod…but on the inside we seldom feel gracious. We are too busy wondering again what comfort used to feel like.
So... to those of us who have been there, we recognize the feeling or rather some of the numbness that often accompanies grieving. Most of us do move on to a different normal but not without some basic steps. Elisabeth Kubler Ross was a genius and made us start to look at grieving in a more systematic way. The problem? Not all of us go through grief like that. We jump over... through... around... and back again more times than we want to count. What helps?
I know about grief. In my opinion healing can only start with acknowledgement and that takes a long time. Time cannot be measured by another’s style or pathway, or maps of others’ journeys. I need to acknowledge what happened to me and my world. I need to know the differences that will now exist and decide if I will accept them.... Remember, I did not say like them. Kubler-Ross said acknowledge what they are, both big and small. I, for example, had to acknowledge that I could not go home again as my husband was my home. In some ways... even with the devastation of that reality, there came the first stirrings of peace. I no longer had to look for it. As sad as it was... as sad as it still seems at times, I can begin to move on.
So what helps in the process of grieving? Local clergy can be a vital resource. Some people find relief through “grief groups”, or support groups that help individuals manage their grief. Check online for grief groups in your area. For some there is individual counseling. The best advice is to use a therapist that you have felt comfortable with in the past. For some, a combination of strategies helps them get through the grieving process. Hospice programs offer grief support groups that are open to the general public, not just to those that are or have been their clients. Lastly, a wonderful source of information for all strategies is the Mental Health Association of Essex County.
But the bottom line is often the use of our own coping skills from the past. What worked for us with other losses? Did friends help? Did family help? Did therapy help? And of course, the willingness to consciously attend to where you are at and how you feel on the inside. Be daring: walk in the new world and explore it. Take what you like from it and leave the rest. Try it out, even on sad days... and notice others, there might just be someone else in more pain than you who needs a quiet cup of tea.
About the author: Ms. Rowbotham is a faculty member at Seton Hall University College of Nursing. Like many others, she is a veteran of grief, grieving, and loss.
Resources:
Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth, On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy and Their Own Families. Updated paperback version, Scribner, August, 2014.
Mental Health Association of Essex County
33 So. Fullerton Ave.
Montclair, NJ 08042
973-509-0177
http://www.mhaessex.org
https://groups.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?state=NJ&spec=14
New Jersey Grief Support Groups. Site sponsored by Psychology Today. Contains an extensive listing of support services by location.
http://www.healgrief.org Web based resource directory of support services.
http://www.childrengrieving.org Extensive listing of resources by location.
